A LITTLE HUMOR(?)

A list of jokes and incidents.

 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

  2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 

  3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 

  4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

  5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

  6. Have someone open the front door of your home Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

  7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

  8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

  9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

   

Henny Youngman a one-liner "stand-up" commedian in the 1950s and 1960s. He appeared on several TV shows always carrying a violin. Everytime he'd put the violin under his chin, he would stop to tell another joke, so we never found out whether or not he could play it.



1. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

2. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

3. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

4. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

5. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

6. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

7. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

10. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

11. A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

12. Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

13. "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears," "Don't answer!"

14. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking," The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

15. The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

16. I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

17. I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

18. A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday," I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

19. A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

20. Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week," I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

21. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

22. I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

23. My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

24. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

25. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

26. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

27. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

28. Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

29. A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. "The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy-four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

30. A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr.Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

31. A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

32. In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

33. Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

34. A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

35. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers. 

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,  'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them. 

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. 

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?' 

She replied, 
'What happened to my booger?'

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on .

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

  There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right.

He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.

Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".

"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease"

"Excuse me?"

"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."

"I don't understand you, sir."

"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"

"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that."

"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down)

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam", he said.

The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".

  "Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"

Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!"

"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO:  Thanks.  I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:  Mac?

COSTELLO:  No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT:  Your computer?

COSTELLO:  I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:  Mac?

COSTELLO:  I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT:  What about Windows?

COSTELLO:  Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT:  Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO:  I don't know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO:  Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:  Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:  No.  On the computer!  I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.  What do you have?

ABBOTT:  Office.

COSTELLO:  Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:  I just did.

COSTELLO:  You just did what?

ABBOTT:  Recommend something.

COSTELLO:  You recommended something?

ABBOTT:  Yes.

COSTELLO:  For my office?

ABBOTT:  Yes.

COSTELLO:  OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:  Office.

COSTELLO:  Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT:  I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO:  I already have an office with windows!  OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?

ABBOTT:  Word.

COSTELLO:  What word?

ABBOTT:  Word in Office.

COSTELLO:  The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:  The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:  Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO:  I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.  What about financial bookkeeping?  You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:  It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO:  What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT:  Yes.  No extra charge.

COSTELLO:  I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?

ABBOTT:  One copy.

COSTELLO:  Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT:  Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO:  They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:  Why not?  THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO:  How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT:  Click on 'START'

The Bridge



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